How to deal with a narcissistic ex partner

But did you have a narcissistic ex?

It’s easy just to say “I had a narcissistic ex-partner” because perhaps things didn’t end well or they could have treated you better.

The term narcissist is incredibly prevalent lately especially with social media and celebrity culture so utterly focussed toxically on the “self” 

In Greek Mythology Narcissus walked by a pool of water and decided to drink some. He saw his reflection, became entranced by it, and killed himself because he could not have his object of desire.

And along that theme people seem to just get called a narcissist if they are vain, or like to take loads of selfies or have a high opinion of themselves.

Whilst that could be a trait of a narcissistic ex-partner it is far from the full picture.

Vanity is one thing, being on the spectrum of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is another.

Good advice even if your ex wasn’t a narcissist

The good news is that whether your ex was a narcissist or whether you just think they are the advice in this blog should be helpful.

It is entirely possible for an ex to have treated you badly, cheated, been abusive or just been a piece of shit without them being a narcissist.

And let’s be clear, whilst I’m not going to ask you to feel sorry for your ex it is important to understand that being a narcissist isn’t a choice, it’s a personality disorder.

This in and of itself might be something which could help you perhaps understand decision that were made which affected you.

What are the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

I want to be clear, you can’t read this or anything else and be able to diagnose someone with any mental health condition.
You do not know what’s going on in people’s heads, knowing the symptoms might give you a good guess, and could well give you a good insight into how you want to act in the future.
It isn’t your job to diagnose and tell your “narcissistic ex-partner” or anyone else what they should do.

There are also different types of Narcissists too – the only way to really know would be for your ex to see a psychologist themselves and then tell you the diagnosis.

And let’s be clear – this blog is about dealing with the impact of having a narcissistic ex-partner NOT trying to try and help them. Helping them is their own job.

That being said let’s get into the symptoms of NPD.

1. An inflated sense of self-importance

This can be displayed in many ways but typically they’ll give off an air of being better than other people in some way.

They’ll believe they are prettier, more powerful, more intelligent or more charming than they really are.

2. Superiority complex

Going kinda hand in hand with the above is the belief that they should have the better things in life. They fundamentally lack gratitude and whatever they have isn’t good enough for them.

They DESERVE things that are better.

3. A need for praise and attention

A narcissistic ex-partner may have needed constant praise, attention and validation.

Typically they will also struggle to take criticism well at all.

4. Entitlement

Someone with NPD may well believe they deserve to be treated better than others and expect a partner to meet their demands.

5. Manipulation and exploitation

They very often have a tendency to exploit others for their own benefits, this can be through being overly charming to gain a particular response from someone or if that doesn’t work then being cruel instead.

They know what they want and normally won’t really care how it is achieved.

6. Lack empathy or feelings of guilt

They can normally act this way because they are not capable of putting themselves in other people’s shoes.

If your “narcissistic ex-partner” made decisions where it seemed like they simply didn’t care it is almost certainly because they literally can’t imagine what their actions would have done to you.

7. Remorselessness

Even when they’ve had it pointed out to them that they’ve done something awful to you and you’ve perhaps even tried to say “what if I had done this to you?” they won’t apologise or have to be forced into an apology.

They don’t feel bad for their actions because it served their purposes which is what is important to them.

8. Envy and Distrust

Someone with NPD will often feel as if they are in competition with everyone for everything.

This means that “everyone” wants to try and steal their partner, or “everyone” at work is trying to get their job.

If someone does better than them at something or in life they’ll rarely be happy for them and instead talk about how those people don’t deserve it.

9. Arrogance

People with NPD may well view other people as lesser than and not worthy of their time and effort. It would perhaps be ridiculous for them to even consider that they could be associated with them.

In terms of behavioural actions within a relationship they may:

• Gaslight you (make you question your mental stability by undermining you)
• Try to control your actions
• Attempt to control who you can see or contact
• Not wanting to define the relationship
• Keeping you almost “secret” from public viewing
• Love-bombing you if it seems like you’re pulling away
• Being scared to end the relationship in case there’s no longer any source of validation for them to feed off
• Very captivating particularly at the beginning of a relationship 

This list isn’t exhaustive by any means.

What narcissistic personality disorder isn’t

It is really easy just to call an ex a narcissist because their behaviour was perhaps toxic or unkind.

It is very possible that what you’re perceiving as NPD is actually something else entirely at play, so let’s be clear.

Your ex could have:

• Very high self-esteem
• Been overly competitive
• Been assertive
• Taken high levels of pride in their accomplishments
• Loved making themselves look good
• Been very comfortable on social situations

But that doesn’t necessarily make them a narcissistic ex-partner.

AGAIN, I want to be clear, you are not in a position to diagnose them.

Does it matter if you had a narcissistic ex-partner or just a crappy one?

In a word, no.

No it doesn’t.

As I mentioned above the very simple technique I’m about to share with you is going to be a good thing to do whether you had a narcissistic ex-partner or just one that wasn’t very nice to you at all.

I will be talking about things as if your ex was a narcissist though.

The best advice that I’ve heard/received with regards to dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner is called The Grey Rock Method.

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The Grey Rock Method for dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner

Narcissists demand attention and they do so and accept it in whatever form it takes. Obviously their go to desire is that of someone providing adoration or praise but if they’re not receiving that they can switch gears entirely.

Although you might question why someone would want anger or hatred thrown at them you’ve got to understand that attention is a narcissists fuel.

And any fuel is better than no fuel to them.

The Grey Rock Method is all about cutting off their fuel supply entirely.

How do you do that, well you have to become a grey rock.

I’m not hating on grey rocks, but they’re boring, uninspiring and unresponsive.

That should be your goal.

The fundamentals of The Grey Rock Method

If you’re looking to move on from a narcissistic ex-partner then employing the Grey Rock method is very simple and easy to follow – there will be times when you find it hard as you’re going to have to push down some primal instincts but you can do it.

You can’t quite ask “what would a grey rock do?” but it isn’t a bad way of thinking about it.

In general you should be trying to do the following:

1. Keeping interactions with your ex to the absolute bare minimum.
2. Unavoidable interactions should be kept as brief as possible.
3. Respond in single word answers where possible.
4. Communicate factually and logically, remove all emotion from your language.

Using The Grey Rock Method

The idea of the grey rock method is to demonstrate to a narcissistic ex-partner that they no longer have an influence on you and that you are not interested in them.

But this is all done in a very calm, logical and boring way.

It is something which you can adopt overnight or if you would find it easier then slowly taper into the behaviour.

Here’s some Do’s and Don’ts that should help you with adopting the technique as well as making it stick.

Do:

• Unfriend and unfollow on social media. You don’t need to see their life and knowing you could be checking up on them will feel like they have a hold over you.
• Go onto Facebook’s memory settings and stop memories about your ex from appearing.
• Ask closed questions (yes/no answers) when you need to communicate.
• Only communicate if you literally HAVE to (for children, sorting out break-up finances etc)
• Communicate through an intermediary if you need to.
• Set yourself VERY clear boundaries on what you will talk about.
• Hold in all the stuff you want to say to them, say it to someone else or write it down to get it out. Remember anger is fuel to them.
• Take time to be by yourself and heal from your relationship.
• Avoid emotional engagement with your ex.

Don’t:

• Make any extra effort with your appearance, that will be interpreted as an attempt to get their attention. Instead dress in a way which is dull and uninteresting.
• Get drawn back in by them charming you
• Engage in small talk
• Go on trips down memory lane
• Rise to any bait or insults that are thrown at you.
• Become a booty call, or sleep with them for old times’ sake etc.
• Boast or brag about how much better life is now (they’ll see that as that you’re thinking about them.
• Be afraid to have this one setting for dealing with your ex and being yourself at all other times.

Further information and potential risks

The method itself is one that is fairly difficult to prove if it works or not, anecdotal evidence suggests that it does help though.

By being reserved and unresponsive this can result in narcissistic ex’s becoming annoyed or angry at you because you’re not responding in the way that they want you to.

Only you can have an idea whether this is something that is likely to happen or not. If you feel as if this is likely to happen and you’ll feel threatened then try to make in person reactions in public places.

If you feel you are in danger then in an emergency please call the police or for further support and advice contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline

Due to the chance of escalation it is not recommended to use the grey rock method if you are still in a relationship with a narcissist or are still having to live with them.

It is really important to remember that this is ONLY how you act around your ex-partner, this is not your new way of acting.

It is to attempt to influence them to lose interest, not a new way for you to be, at all other times you be you!

How to deal with a narcissistic ex-partner

I’m hoping that the information here will have helped or inspired you in some way to move on past your previous relationship.

How you have been treated in the past does not define who you are as a person and certainly doesn’t define your future.

Moving on from being treated badly or abused can be really tough so be sure to practice large amounts of kindness and compassion towards yourself.

Whether you decide to adopt the Grey Rock Method or not it is vital to practice self care too. I have blogs, vlogs and podcast episodes about self-confidence, self-esteem, anxiety, guilt and much more which can all be building blocks towards you becoming the version of yourself you’d like to be.