How to Feel More Attractive: Part 3

In part 3 we’ll be diving deeper into more techniques including the very biggest one of all, stopping caring what other people think about you.

In part 1 and part 2 you’ve hopefully learnt about how attractiveness is a mental game not a physical one and also taken on board a few techniques which can help you accept that what you look like is what you look like, in part 3 we’re going to be continuing to build upon these techniques that will get you believing that you’re an attractive person.

Hold yourself to the same standards as everyone else

On Instagram in particular I am a big fan of women celebrating other women and their appearance. If someone I’m following posts a photo of themselves within minutes there will be a gang of women throwing out boundless positivity about how incredible they look.

Maybe you have even been one of those people throwing body positivity around like confetti.

What’s stopping you doing the same for yourself?

Maybe you have a muffin top and you think that’s not attractive so you don’t post the photo of you where that’s showing a bit.

I absolutely guarantee that if a friend posted a photo with a little muffin top showing you wouldn’t comment saying “yo, what’s with the muffin top?”, you’d be telling her she was beautiful.

What makes you so special that you get treated to much more brutal standards huh?

Learn to Take Compliments (but don’t rely on them)

“I love what you’re wearing”
“Oh, this old thing”

“You look lovely today!”
“Really, I feel so tired and think I look like shit, you need your eyes tested.

Part of not feeling attractive is denying anyone else’s view that you could possibly be anything but hideous. 

And we’ll deny that vehemently because heaven forbid we should actually feel that someone else thinks we look good.

The downside, in our heads, is that if we take someone’s compliment on board then we’ll instantly turn into a raging ego-maniac and everyone will hate us.

By disagreeing with someone about how you look you deflect any good feeling you might get from the compliment and are also essentially holding your middle finger up to their opinion.

There is no downside to saying “thank you so much, I really appreciate you saying so”.

You’re not agreeing per say however you are showing kindness and accepting that they’ve said something nice.

Compliments are really rather lovely but they shouldn’t be what defines how attractive you feel – we’ll get more into the why of that in the final part of this.
If you can compliment yourself however – that’s where it is at!

Don’t Ask Yourself, Tell Yourself

It can often be the case that we catch ourselves in the mirror or take a photo of ourselves and ask the question “do I look good here?”, “Am I attractive in this photo?”, “Do I look hot?”

It’s time to stop asking the question of yourself, swap two words around and remove the question mark.

Turn your questions of doubt into statements of confidence.

“do I look good here?” > I do look good

“Am I attractive in this photo?” > I am attractive in this photo

“Do I look hot?” > I do look hot.

Whenever you notice this question in your head flip it around and just tell yourself that you are whatever you would love the answer to be.

“I AM” exercise

Here’s another exercise that you might find a little bit odd but again it’s a really powerful one.

This is something that my own life coach set me as a challenge (yes life coaches have life coaches too!)

It is an exercise about who you are right now and who you would like to be but written in the present tense.

This encompasses everything about you as a person and also, within the bounds of realism, of the perfect future version of yourself.

For myself I wrote things like:

I am a good father.

I am an excellent therapist.

I am compassionate.

I am empathetic.

These are perhaps examples of things which I believe to be true at the moment, however let’s say you have an interest in learning to play the piano, in the case you could either:

I am a pianist
Or, be bigger and bolder and say

I am a concert pianist.

That’s not to say that you ever will be but the idea is to write the things that you’d like to become or to feel but you’re doing so as if you are right now.

I did this whole process myself and as I mentioned earlier this was at a time when I was feeling truly awful about myself.

I honestly couldn’t have felt less sexually desirable, as if no-one would ever possibly want to be with me in that way – so on that list I wrote:

I am sexually attractive

AND

I am hot as fuck

Now at that time I didn’t feel these things at all, not even close to it but what this does is it fills you with a sense of positivity and drive that you can make choices to become those things.

I knew back then that I didn’t feel like I was a concert pianist or that I was sexually attractive or that I was hot as fuck but writing these things down and telling myself them felt good.

And no, it isn’t lying to yourself, it’s writing down some things which make up the core of who you would like to be.

So what’s the harm in saying these things, well there isn’t one.

It also serves as a startling reminder that attractiveness is far from limited to what you look like, it is about your whole self. Who cares if you look like Brad Pitt if you can’t actually tell the truth to save your life? What’s the point in being Rihanna level hot if you have absolutely no personality? (Nothing against either of them, just random examples)

Coming back to the here and now I can honestly say that I am sexually attractive, I can’t in all honesty say I am “hot as fuck” but I feel SO much better about myself than I did back then and no, I haven’t made time to become a concert pianist but who is to say that I won’t do that later in life.

Write down your “I am” statements, tell yourself them and believe in them.

Stop Caring What Other People Think

Here is probably the final and biggest challenge when it comes to finding yourself attractive.

It is unbelievably important to make sure that you are not relying upon the validation of others for your attractiveness or self-worth.

This is one of those instances where people instantly say “well, easier said than done”.

And I agree, it is easier said than done but name me one thing that isn’t, I’ll wait…

You only ever control your thoughts and your actions, nothing more, which means you certainly have no control over the opinions of other people.

You could spend hours making yourself look and feel amazing, you could take what you consider to be the perfect photo of yourself and then still have someone say “you look like shit”.

If you really take notice of this then you’ll think that even your very best looks shit.

But that is just their opinion (remember about attractiveness being subjective).

It is so much more powerful to actually go through the previous exercises and start accepting, liking and then loving yourself and how you look so rather than going out there looking for praise or validation you are just uploading a photo or better still not even needing to upload a photo.

Further to this it will help you massively to not look at or care about the amount of likes a photo might receive or the comments on it.

When it comes to likes does getting 60 likes mean you’re more attractive than if you only got 50 likes? Would zero likes mean that you’re actually hideous?

A like is just a double tap on a screen, that’s all.

As for the comments, you really need to stay grounded with them – as I’ve said I’m a big fan of people being positive about other people but this shouldn’t be relied upon as a source of validation.

“Wait, what? You’re telling me I shouldn’t listen to people saying good, positive things about me?”

Um, no, not exactly, I’m saying don’t let that become what you rely upon to feel good about yourself.

The more you are reliant upon compliments the more power you give other people’s words, which is great for when people compliment you but it is utterly damning if you receive a negative compliment.

Bottom line, if you’re reaching out putting your validation into someone else’s hands then you might well find that the hands aren’t there or they might just drop you validation on the floor and squish it.

I’ve been very guilty of this in the past, I would upload photos of myself under the guise of fitness progress and this was about 30-40% true, the remaining 60-70% of the truth was that I would be hoping that a particular person that I liked might see the photo and like it or comment on it.

And let me tell you that this is a really, really, really bad idea – it really is!

I can’t be much clearer about this.

This is the ultimate “VALIDATE ME” cry for help and is so dangerous for how you feel about yourself – you’re throwing your self-worth and attractiveness off of a cliff and then desperately praying that one particular person catches it.

I’d do this and then spend the day checking my facebook story to see if they’d seen it, checking back and seeing if they’d liked or commented.

Every time desperate to have some level of validation back from them and if and when that doesn’t come you feel awful, you feel embarrassed and you feel unattractive.

I had to stop and ask myself “Why the actual shit would you put yourself in a position where another person tapping a screen defines if you feel good or not?”

I mean FFS that person might not have even been on social media all day and I’m there checking back every couple of hours like a moron.

Urgh.

Embarrassing, so yeah, don’t do that.

And just so we’re clear.

DON’T.

POST.

PHOTOS.

FOR.

ANYONE.

APART.

FROM.

YOU.

Got it? Good.

Conclusion on Finding Yourself More Attractive

I really hope that throughout this you have genuinely learnt that your attractiveness and how you feel about it is in your head. You look like what you look like and whilst you can change that you don’t actually need to in order to feel attractive.

I went from feeling as if my attractiveness was on the absolute floor to feeling as if I’m a decent, honest, good looking guy – in that time I didn’t have any major cosmetic surgery, I didn’t change my appearance or how I dressed, I didn’t lose or gain any weight the only thing that changed was my attitude and belief towards myself.

When it comes to attractiveness you are more than what you look like, you are your personality, your interests, your passions, your pet hates, your ideologies and so much more.

You wouldn’t sacrifice everything you want in a person as a partner just because they were really good looking, would you? 

So, by your own admission being considered good looking isn’t the be all and end all when it comes to finding a partner in life.

You ARE attractive because you are you, take the time, put the work in and discover the parts of you that make you attractive and that is so much more than what you see when you look in the mirror.