How to Find Yourself More Attractive – Part 1: It’s a mindset thing

Why is it so hard to find yourself attractive?

Just the idea of saying “I’m sexy” or “I’m hot” without cringing yourself inside out seems utterly impossible to a lot of people.

They would in fact rather be thought of as being unattractive over being believed to think that they themselves are attractive.

What on earth is the problem with thinking something so positive about yourself?

In this blog I’m going to be talking about how to find yourself attractive, talking quite starkly about my own journey through this relatively recently.

Reaching a tipping point

When I came out of my last long term relationship my belief about how attractive I was couldn’t have been lower. I’m not going to go into the reasons why, that’s not necessary but I wanted to talk to you frankly about my own discovery that I am actually a pretty attractive person.

I started at a point where I thought I was ugly, that no-one would like someone bald, that my body lacked anything sexually interesting about it at all and that there was roughly a zero percent chance that anyone would possibly want to have sex with me.

Like I said, it couldn’t have been lower.

To be honest I spent a good few months just allowing this feeling of physical inadequacy just to sit there doing its thing. Weirdly this wasn’t the worst thing because given where I was at in my life and with lockdowns in place it actually helped in preventing me from falling into the trap of thinking online dating would have been a good thing for me which it wouldn’t have been.

I was “damaged goods” at that point and subjecting myself to the emotional rollercoaster that online dating can often bring would have put dynamite on the fire.

And I continued to not do anything about it until I had a tipping point moment.

Out of the blue someone told me in no uncertain terms how hot they thought I was.

And I cried…a lot.

I’m very pleased that this was done via message or it would have been a situation of Bridget Jones level cringeyness

This was the moment where I realised just how unattractive I thought I was and how this might not actually be in alignment with reality.

It also reaffirmed something that I knew, I REALLY knew and that it was buried deep down under years and years of feeling so terrible about myself.

And that thing was that attractiveness is a mindset.

Attractiveness is a Mindset

Yes, of course eyes, smiles, boobs, abs, butts, arms, symmetry etc are the things which inherently and primally are attractive to look at. However someone doesn’t have to have these things be “perfect” to feel as if they are attractive.

Someone can be “average looking”, but be confident, kind and charismatic when they enter a room and people will notice them for all the right reasons.

It was a wake up call to me to start applying the things, which I had used to help clients in the past with, to myself.

One of the very biggest things is this idea that how attractive you are is in your head not what you see in the mirror.

All the haircuts, new outfits, facelifts, boob jobs, tummy tucks in the world are going to do nothing to how attractive you feel unless you also do some work internally as well.

How good would it feel to be able to stand in front of the mirror and simply accept that this is what you look like at the moment in time?

Do you believe Kim Kardashian thinks she’s attractive?

I personally believe that the pinnacle of attractiveness is to not even think about it at all, if you can reach that zen level of inner peace with your appearance then you’ve mastered it.

Does that sound good?

Now on the flipside let’s look at Kim Kardashian who is by many believed to be an incredibly attractive woman. I’ll be honest, she doesn’t do it for me, but she’s perfect for this example I’m about to give.

I once read a snippet of an interview with her that suggested that to get the “perfect selfie” she would normally take around 300 shots.

To look at this a different way that means that she doesn’t think that she looks good enough in 299 of those photos.

Be honest, regardless of your own opinion of her does that sound like a healthy mental position to be in with regards to your attractiveness?

Yes, I appreciate she has a “brand” to keep up but even still.

Maybe you’d swap your looks for her (if you’re female) but would you want to take on board needing to take 300 selfies and the self-judgement that comes with that?

Imagine looking “as attractive as her” but still not being able to see it yourself.

So if someone who is widely regarded as being attractive has that level of self-critique then hopefully I’m beginning to convince you that the attractiveness game is won and lost in your head.

How to Start Finding Yourself More Attractive

I’m really hoping that you’re on board with that idea of attractiveness being a mental game – there’s nothing to say you can’t workout/eat better/do a skincare routine or whatever to “improve” your physical appearance but that’s not going to be the gamechanger for you.

In Parts 2 and 3 we’ll be diving into a whole host of different things you can do to feel more attractive and I’ll talk about my own experience of doing them as well.

I would like you to start with the exercise below which you’re probably not going to like much!

Take A LOT of selfies (and accept every single one)

Having earlier said about it not being healthy for Kim K to take 300 selfies, I’m going to ask you to do the same, there is however a big difference.

Rather than scrutinise the photos you’re taking you’re going to accept them.

This is the thing about taking a photo, it is a snapshot of what you looked like at that exact moment in time.

There’s no denying it, that is what you looked like then.

Now, what you look like at a moment in time does not define your attractiveness, it just simply shows what you looked like.

So start taking a lot of photos of yourself.

This is one of the first things that I did on my journey to finding myself more attractive. I took photos of just my face, ones in the mirror, wearing different clothes, wearing different hats, with my shirt off, doing goofy faces, doing serious faces.

I just had some fun with it, and I did this for a good couple of weeks.

But there’s a little more to it than that.

The idea here is to take a photo, look at it, and simply tell yourself that this is what you look like right now.

No judgement, no scrutiny, just acceptance.

I personally found this to be a very refreshing experience for me. Previously I would either actively avoid taking photos or I would take a photo and worry about my mouth, my smile, my teeth, my nose, my wrinkles, my eyes, my beard – it was exhausting.

Taking LOADS of photos and accepting each and every one is a great way of bucking this trend and accepting your appearance.

Part 2 is out one week after this and during this week I’d really like you to do the exercise above, take photo after photo after photo of yourself, have fun with it, be silly, be fun, and accept what you see in every photo.

That’s it for the introduction –

Part 2 is now available

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