How to increase your self-confidence: Part 2.

Watch the vlog below or read the blog.

6. Social media is (probably) not your friend

As I mentioned in part 1 of this guide to increasing self-confdience it is SELF-confidence that we’re trying to increase.

As such we need to move away from the idea of our confidence coming from anywhere else other than ourselves.

The final section of this second part of the guide is all about letting go of other people’s opinions and there is a certain element to this in within this first section on social media.

However what I’m talking about here is actually a little different.

As you’ve been told about 143 times within the last week social media shows you what the account holder wants you to see.

It puts a frame around everything they want you to see and hides the bits they don’t want you to see.

You don’t know how many takes or which filters are on a photograph.

With any achievements you don’t know what costs they have been at.

You can’t have a clue how they’re really feeling inside.

Whilst it is becoming slightly more common there are very few accounts out there that really tell it like it is.

When it comes to the content you consume on social media stop it might be wise to stop and ask “does this post make me feel better or worse? Do I feel inspired or deflated?” 

If the answer is the latter then consider hiding the post or even unfollowing the account entirely.

Why on earth would you want to be fed content that makes you feel worse?

Even if it is a celebrity/influencer you “like”.

You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything.

As far as the content you are consuming that’s about as honest and brutal as I can be about it – stop yourself consuming the stuff that makes you feel lesser than, find more of the content that inspires you.

So onto the content you upload and how your self-confidence is linked to that.

Well upload whatever you like, but in terms of looking after your self-confidence just check in with yourself on your motives.

If at any point you feel as if you’re uploading something because you want to feel better, or show off, or get likes, or comments or attention.

Don’t. 

Well you can if you want, I’m not your supervisor but please don’t.

As you’ll learn later on we are NEVER EVER in control of anyone else’s opinion, thoughts or actions – by seeking this validation externally you are setting your self-confidence up for a hit.

You are putting it in the hands of other people, not only that but I ask you if you can recall a single time when you did this and it gave you anything else other than a short-lived surface increase in how you feel about yourself?

If you have taken a photo of yourself in an outfit and you want to feel good about yourself what if YOU just decided that you looked good?

The most powerful and confident statement you can make when it comes to uploading something to social media is deciding that you feel good enough to NOT upload it.

Once you don’t feel like you need to upload it, that, weirdly, is the perfect time to do so – upload photos etc when your confidence is not riding on it in any way.

6. Make your own decisions

One of the strongest tells in someone who lacks self-confidence is the inability to make decisions. This indecisiveness is exhausting and wastes literally days of your life.

When it comes to decisions there are big decisions in life like “do I want to have another child?” and there are smaller ones like “what shall we order from the Chinese takeaway?”

The big decisions can require careful consideration and evidence to support different options to be found.

Smaller decisions can or should just be made.

Smaller decisions are in essence inconsequential and by that I mean they don’t have any bearing on your life or anyone else’s.

A quick and simple way in which to increase your self-confidence is to just start making smaller decisions all by yourself.

Literally just do it.

These smaller decisions are already so obvious to you and you’ll forget you ever made them within a day.

So, you chose something shit to watch on Netflix one night, so what?

Your partner wasn’t overly keen on the new takeaway you ordered – how dreadful?

You said something stupid rather than staying quiet – meh!

It’s all so utterly minor.

If you’re in a situation where you find yourself faced with a decision stop and ask yourself: “does this decision have any bearing on my life at all?”

When, inevitably, the answer comes back as a “no”, just make a decision.

Being assertive and making decisions (even wrong ones) which actually increase your self-confidence.

You can thank me later for all the time you save and how much better you feel about yourself.

8. Brain dump

I’m such a strong believer in it being a good thing to get out of your own head.

One of the best ways in which you can do this is by taking a brain dump in any way that you see fit.

A brain dump is just a way of you expressing your feelings – I’m personally a fan of just writing/typing how I’m feeling down/stressed/confused but you can do this however you want.

Write, draw, paint, sculpt – express yourself and how you’re feeling.

Not only will it help you to make sense of what you’re feeling but it also gets any negative feelings out of your brain and into the world.

9. Improve your posture

If you were to stereotype a person with zero self-confidence walking down a street what would they look like as they walked?

Shoulders slumped?

Barely picking up their feet?

Head down barely able to look up past their toes?

Basically trying not to be seen.

I’m not saying that everyone with self-confidence issues walks like this but this IS the stereotype and it is it for a reason.

On the contrary to that how does a self-confident person walk into room?

Head held high.

Shoulders back.

Chest out.

They stride.

They strut.

Demanding the attention of the people around them.

Do the confident people walk like this because they are confident? 

Or are they confident because they walk like this?

I don’t know the answer to this but I suspect that it is cyclical.

It has actually been proven that changing how you sit, walk and talk to people can actually have a direct impact on how you feel about yourself.

So although it might sound ridiculous I’d really love you to start walking around like you own the place!

If you’re walking down the street, have your eyes on where you’re going, stand tall, shoulders back, head up and attack the ground with belief and purpose.

Do this even if you just want to crawl into a corner and die a little at the thought.

You’ll feel stupid for the first 20 seconds, guaranteed.
The next ten seconds you’ll realise that it isn’t actually that bad at all.

And whisper it quietly but after that you might actually enjoy it.

And in case you think I’m joking at all, I’m not, I’m deadly serious.

The only barrier is yourself here.

No-one is going to know that you’re not walking how you would normally walk, just you.

And with the greatest possible respect no-one is going to even notice or remember you, everyone else is just busy getting on with their lives just like you.

The worst that can happen is that you try it and don’t enjoy it much, but you’ll enjoy it more the second time.

So get out there, strut like a flippin’ peacock and shake your beautiful tail feathers!

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10. Let go of other’s opinions

If I could have one superpower it would be to give people the ability to not give a flying f— what other people thought of them.

Because letting go of other people’s opinions of you is actually a super power in itself.

It. Changes. Everything.

A lack of self-confidence often results in people changing what they’re doing or cancelling things all together.

When it comes to doing stuff a person lacking in self-confidence will often say/think
“I can’t do that…” and then the sentence is completed by something about what someone/people will think of them if they do.

“I can’t go out in a short skirt, people will laugh at me.”

“What if I mess up my presentation at work, people think I’m stupid.”

“I can’t join a dating app, no-one will want me.”

For example.

Right now, I’d like you to think about the times in your life where you’ve lacked self-confidence.

Most (not all) of the situations that are normally a concern would be completed eliminated if you were able to not give a shit what other people thought.

Is this true for you too?

Would you like to stop caring what other people think?

How to stop caring what other people think of you?

I’d be amazed if you hadn’t already thought that it would be nice to not care what other people think before in your life.

I’ve met many people in my life who have more or less overnight decided that they’re going to stop giving a shit what other people think of them, and it has worked.

I can fully appreciate it if you are currently unable to do that right now though.

There are so many advantages to letting go of other people’s opinions and there isn’t really a downside I don’t think – but you don’t need encouragement to do so, you want a how-to.

So, let me talk to you about control.

When it comes to anything in our lives it falls into one of three categories.

1. The things we can control
2. Things we can’t control
3. Things that we have some control of (which is split into can/can’t control too)

The things that we can control are very simple.

1. Our thoughts.
2. Our actions.

So despite there being an unlimited amount of possible things in the known universe we are only ever in control of our thoughts and our actions.

That’s literally it.

Don’t believe me, let me give you my favourite example.

If you’ve ever been stuck behind a slow moving car on a single carriageway road with nowhere to overtake you’ll know how annoying it is.

You can’t overtake.

Nor can you undertake.

Your maximum speed is defined by the car in front.

Yes, you can try swearing, swerving or even ramming the car in front but there’s no guarantee the car is going to speed up.

Worse still, it could choose to slow down.

You have no control over that car and it’s speed – realistically.

Are you on board with that as an idea?

Good.

So what do you do. 

You sit there patiently waiting until you can overtake or the car turns off.

Because there’s nothing else you can do.

Your only choice in the matter is how stressed and worked up about it you want to get.

But what if it wasn’t a car going too slow?

What if it was the opinion of someone that you fancied?

Or the validation of a work colleague?

Or the belief of a sports coach?

The situation remains the same, you still only ever control your thoughts and your actions.

Once again, you can TRY and influence the situation but there’s nothing to say that the influence you’re hoping for comes through.

We all know very well how the more you try and impress someone in the dating world the less appealing a prospect you become, ironically.

I’m hoping this all makes sense.

So, given that you have literally no control over anyone else’s opinion of you – why do you care so much about it?

And why does it mean so much to you?

What if you put all that energy into validating yourself instead?

Letting go of other people’s opinions makes you nearly bulletproof – I’m basically there myself with the odd hiccup now and again and it honestly changes everything.

How?

Because once I had the realisation that I couldn’t do anything about people’s opinions I stopped caring about them.

Just like I don’t care about the petrol prices in South Africa.

Next time someone’s opinion upsets you or stresses you out stop and ask yourself this:
“Can I do anything about this person’s opinion?”

Spoiler alert: the answer is always no.

Then let it go.

Whose opinions do you care about?

When it comes to actual real life your closest friends and family are the people whose opinions are going to matter to you the most.

And most of the time they are likely to be wildly supportive and encouraging of you – that’s what friends and family tend to do, right?

There will be occasions when you may get the, normally unrequested, opinion of someone else (typically on the internet/social media) and it may well be negative.

I’m thinking internet trolls here.

Well if someone says you’re ugly, or stupid, or fat or thin or untalented or weird or whatever then ask why you would care about their opinion.

Why on earth would you care what someone thinks of you when they’re the type of person that gives horrible opinions about people they don’t know?

“Do you respect the person giving the opinion?”

“No, then ignore it. It is just words.”

Self-confidence has to start and end with you giving yourself confidence and there’s a middle bit as a well where you also have to give yourself confidence too.

Start letting go of other people’s opinions and start trusting and improving your own opinion of your wonderful self.

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