How to be more tolerant of uncertainty

Humans are often described as being creatures of habit, we like routine, we like knowing where we’re going to be and to an extent we love certainty.

Uncertainty however is the great cause of anxiety, with all of the millions of possible things that can happen at any given time, what if one of the hundreds of thousands of bad things happen?

How will I possibly deal with things if x, y or even z happens?

In this blog I’m going to show you how to better tolerate uncertainty by showing you how beautiful it is and how we actually crave it.

A world filled with certainty

In therapy sessions, therapists (myself included) often set traps for our clients to fall into, this isn’t an exercise in intelligence or knowledge, it is more often than not to point out how “faulty” their thinking is.

My clients can frequently say how much they hate not knowing what’s going to happen in the next days, weeks, months, year – they will pose rhetorical “what if” questions left, right and centre.

Then comes the question.

Would you like more certainty in your life?

Oh, yes, absolutely 

Herein lies the problem, people think that they need more certainty in their lives but they actually need to be able to tolerate the uncertainty of life better. 

So, we ask a client how much certainty they’d like in their life, what do they want to feel certain about?

If they could have a world filled with certainty would they want that? 

Imagine a world where everything was certain and known to be so.

You’d know that in the film there was going to be a happy ending. There would be no need to worry if your football team were going to lose because they were going to score 2 goals in the last 5 minutes and win 2-1. No need to worry about whether that new love interest was going to message you back. Zero concerns about your job safety because you know that promotion is coming. No need to enter the lottery or buy a scratch card because you know that you weren’t going to win.

A world of certainty would be the least interesting place imaginable to live bar none.

The beauty of uncertainty

When I was 20 I went on a 6 month backpacking trip, apart from a vague outline of where I was staying I had no idea what was really going to happen day in day out, I was flying by the seat of my pants.

And it was absolutely incredible.

The peak moment of excitement being a 143m bungee jump out of a cable car over a ravine.

I was practically shitting myself, I was filled with butterflies the size of walruses, I was feeling every single anxiety symptom you can imagine and I was convinced I was going to die.

I stood out on the edged of the cable car, there was a guy hyping me up, telling me that I could do it, he could sense my nerves.

He started telling me to focus on a tree in the distance and that he was going to count from five down to one and when he said one I should dive out of the cable car and try and aim for the tree that was literally 3 miles away.

MFC by Pearl Jam was playing over the speakers.

Out of nowhere the 10-15 other people in the cable car started spontaneously cheering.

Still I was convinced I wasn’t going to jump.

5, nope

4, nope,

3, definitely not doing this

2, out do I get out of this

1, I dived out of a cable into a ravine with a glorified elastic band around my feet.

For the first 2 seconds I remember how silent it all felt, and I sensed the ground rushing towards me at alarming speed.

But then the exhilaration, jesus christ the exhilaration was indescribable.

I’d forgotten the noise, I’d forgotten my worries, I’d forgotten everything.

I felt a gentle tug pulling me back upwards which got stronger and stronger until I found that I was being flung back into the air.

The ground is rushing away now.

And for one beautiful intense moment I was weightless.

I genuinely felt as if I was floating.

And then I fell again, this time feeling more involved and safe but no less excited.

The whole experience lasted maybe 3 minutes from getting strapped into the cord to getting winched back up into the cable car.

But the memory of it, wow, I don’t see that going anywhere until I’m gone.

That was 2005, and I still get goosebumps talking and thinking about it.

But there was no certainty in any of it for me.

I’d like you to think back now to the moments in your life that have been the most exciting and interesting times in your life. The times where you have felt most alive.

Trawl back through the times where you’ve had the most fun and think about how much certainty there was at that time.

I think I’d be right in saying there was very little.

Removing Uncertainty from your life

Imagine removing all the things from your life where there was uncertainty both past and present.

Yes, you’d possibly remove all of the things that stress you out but you’d also be removing the things which bring the most joy and excitement.

Certainty keeps us running on track and keeps things nice and level but when did you ever get excited about how level things are.

Uncertainty is the very best of life and the very worst of life as well, it brings the sadness but it brings the joy, it brings the anxiety but it brings the excitement, it brings death but it also makes life what it is.

But the reality is that uncertainty is always going to be there and it can’t be removed from life so speaking in these hypotheticals is pointless outside of making you realise how exciting uncertainty can be.

To make your life better you need to embrace the idea that uncertainty isn’t all doom and gloom and to tolerate uncertainty.

How to tolerate uncertainty

It’s all very well me telling you that uncertainty isn’t all bad and to an extent that will help in the long run when you’re feeling anxious but what steps can you actually take to tolerate uncertainty more easily.

Well, you can check out this blog I wrote about help with catastrophising, this has direct and actionable tips in it.

Here’s another thing you can do.

I think it is fair to say that the more uncertainty there is surrounding a situation the more anxious you’re likely to feel about it. I’d say that’s a pretty direct correlation.

To tolerate uncertainty better you must step outside of certainty. The longer you spend in a place of constant certainty the more things will feel as if they are uncertain and the more anxious that will make you feel.

I suggest to my therapy clients who are in this situation that they should create a “ladder of uncertainty.”

This is a list of things that they avoid doing or would like to do because of the level of anxiety that the uncertainty causes them.

The idea is to start at the lower end of the ladder and build up to the higher things.

The more uncertainty that you face the easier it is to face future uncertainty, it is however advisable to start with the easier things so you feel as if you can do it rather than being disheartened by trying something too hard too soon.

Put these things on a scale from 1-10 – here’s an example.

1.  Not checking with my partner that what I’m wearing to work is ok

2. Cooking a meal without checking the recipe again first

3. Ordering a meal I’ve never had before at a restaurant

4. Sending an email without reading over it

5. Trying a new cocktail

6. Driving somewhere new more than an hour away

7. Being in charge of a project at work

8. Going on a night out with friends

9. Travelling alone to London and using the underground

10. Flying somewhere on holiday

Hopefully it’s clear on this list that number 1 is something where the uncertainty only causes a very mild feeling of anxiety whereas the uncertainty surrounding number 10 causes huge amounts of anxiety.

The above list is just random stuff that people feel uncertain about, your list will probably look completely different.

What’s important is the recognise that your list is completely personal to you and what you find difficult and find easy is nothing to do with anyone else’s ability to do these things.

Start at the low end and make yourself do a few things from the low end of the list each week, this will build confidence in your ability to deal with uncertainty.

The more tolerant of uncertainty you become the easier you will find it to do the things which are a little higher up on the list.

Build your belief in yourself, build your confidence and cement your tolerance of uncertainty.

For those things which are higher up on the list you can build up to them but if you are having trouble at any stage of it then it might be worthwhile trying some cognitive behavioural therapy to examine and correct your thoughts surrounding the problem area.

Conclusion on tolerating uncertainty better

In dating people talk about the thrill of the chase, that exciting time at the very start of getting to know someone and having no idea what’s going on in their head, whether they’re going to message back, whether a message that was sent was intended to sound as flirty as you’re reading it etc. In this situation there is literally no certainty whatsoever and people talk about how incredible a buzz that part of dating is.

I have countless clients who start sentences with “I wish I knew…” and this is because they feel as if they know something then it is going to make their life easier and it will, but it will also make it less interesting.

You absolute need to feel certain about some things in life – where you live, whether you have food, water, heat, love, money, employment, self-worth etc, these sort of things form the basis of your life. 

If there is uncertainty surrounding these types of base level things then you’re quite right to be feeling anxious because they are at the core of your existence.

Outside of these things the uncertainty, to a degree, must be embraced.

Certainty will bring you feelings of contentment, safety and security. Uncertainty will bring you all the other emotions at both ends of the spectrum.

Finally, and most importantly, uncertainty isn’t going anywhere so you have the choice to fear it forever or jump on and enjoy the highs, learn from the lows and live your life.

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