In an age where dating apps are now the main way that people date it’s becoming increasingly difficult to avoid being on them if you’re looking for love.
However a combination of people easily being able to be completely awful people, lying, ghosting, benching and so much more mean that it can really be an emotional minefield.
What can we do to protect ourselves as much as possible from getting hurt or used when we’re looking for love?
Well there are a bunch of things that you can do, these will all help to a certain extent but ultimately with dating and relationships in general you’re putting “your heart” in another person’s hands and, cynically speaking, there’s nothing stopping them from trampling all over it.
That being said, we can still do the very best for ourselves.
SIDE NOTE
The advice in giving here is purely for the purposes of maintaining good mental health.
It isn’t, and it shouldn’t be considered, dating advice.
End of side note.
Things to remember about your mental health and dating apps
A lot of what I’m going to be talking about is great advice in general which I’ll talk about more specifically in relation to dating.
The three things which I think are important to remember are as follows
Remembering what we control, Acceptance, and Gratitude.
I’ve spoken about all of these in much more depth before so I will link in the other blogs which go into more detail.
Firstly control.
Remembering what we control
If you’ve listened to anything I’ve said or read anything I’ve written before then you’ll be familiar with my interest in the Stoics and what they have to say about control.
In short, anything that isn’t our thoughts or our actions is not within our control.
As soon as we recognise something isn’t in our control we should cease to let it be something that worries us.
I appreciate that this is something that isn’t in our control.
Apply this directly to dating apps and we realise that the only things within our control are:
- Who we swipe on/message
- What we say in our messages.
- When we respond to messages.
- How much time we spend on the app.
Literally EVERYTHING else is out of our control.
Not only is it not in our control it is actually in the hands of another person who at this stage is basically a complete stranger.
Forgetting the excitement of talking to someone new, hot attractive they might be or how similar your interests are just take a second to remember that investing “a lot of your heart” on anyone you’re talking with through a dating app is a sure-fire way to getting yourself hurt, particularly in the early stages.
So please remember that you’re only ever in control of two things:
- Your thoughts.
- Your actions.
Acceptance when you’re dating
I wrote a blog before about how accepting your circumstances is the first step towards being happier. Whilst there is a crossover with what I spoke about in that blog, what I’m talking about here is a little different.
What we’re talking about here is almost a second stage after understanding that we don’t actually control very much at all.
We need to accept just exactly what it is we’re getting ourselves in for.
It’s important for all of us to accept that everyone, including ourselves, will be making incredibly quick snap-judgements about the profiles we see.
In a lot of ways it isn’t even a conscious decision, in around a second our brain will have decided for us sometimes.
Just as we are rejecting people, possibly at the rate of 50 per minute, we are also being rejected by people unbeknownst to us.
Also, we are choosing to swipe right, match, or message any number of people in a day/week/month.
It’s not like meeting someone in a bar, getting their number, going out for a date and going from there. Especially given at the time of writing we’re not even allowed to go out and mingle with people freely.
Anyone you’re chatting to could be one of several, and just as likely you’re one of several people that they’re chatting to as well.
It’s vital that we accept that these things are just the nature of the beast, well it’s not so much of a beast as a cattle market.
Dating integrity
Whilst the figurative “cattle market” might be the last place that you’d expect integrity to be important, it’s my belief that no matter what’s going on in your life or in the world there’s always a place to behave with integrity.
If you think I’m insane from trying to suggest that you should be honest and have good morals on Tinder then maybe you’re right.
However, bear with me a second on this, I have three questions.
- Would you agree that in general most people are honest and tend to tell the truth?
- Could you also agree that again, in general, most people’s moral compasses are pointing in the right direction?
- Are you in general honest with your moral compass pointing in the right direction?
I’m hoping that I’ve got three yeses from you here.
So, with those things agreed upon, why shouldn’t you behave honestly and have your moral compass set correctly?
The obvious answer might be “well there’s people on there who want to sleep with me and ghost me and I want to protect myself from them.”
Yes, there are absolutely people who are on there being dishonest and lying about their intentions.
But does that mean that you should lie and be dishonest about your intentions?
Other people’s lies and dishonesty is something that isn’t in your control.
Whilst it’s not really my place to give advice on anything like “how to date” I would just give this piece of advice.
“If it looks like a duck and it quacks, it’s probably a duck.”
I hope this is clear.
I would hazard a guess that most people using any dating app would like it very much if they could speak to someone who is honest about their intentions and has a good moral compass, just like you want to.
Be that person for yourself and your prospective matches.
Protecting your mental health whilst using dating apps
Hopefully now we’re all on the same page about remembering what we control, accepting what we’re getting ourselves in for, and the need to behave with integrity.
I’m going to break this into two sections.
Section 1 is designed for before you’ve matched.
Section 2 is for after someone has matched with you.
Let’s get into it.
Section 1 – Before you’ve matched
Keep yourself grounded
Even if someone seems like the perfect partner for you in every way, remember that there’s still a long way to go before you even meet.
Building hopes about someone who doesn’t even know you exist yet puts you in a position where you can get hurt.
There’s clearly nothing wrong with getting excited about a certain someone but throwing all your eggs into a basket is asking for trouble particularly if you’ve not even matched yet.
Remember all you can control is swiping on them/messaging them.
People are busy
Some apps require both people to both swipe right whereas others have a messaging system.
There’s so many reasons why some haven’t matched or replied to a message.
Some are just really busy, some might have notifications turned off. Others might only go on it when they’re drunk or have had a fight with their boyfriend. Some people might even have found someone and forgotten to deactivate their account.
What someone else is doing is outside of your control.
Read their dating profile
Whilst the handsomeness of a guy or girl is going to be a major factor it is really important to take the time to actually read what they’ve written about themselves (if anything).
If you’re totally besotted with someone but then find out that they’ve got 3 kids and you’re not ready to be involved in that way then and it was written on their profile then you’ve only got yourself to blame for how gutted/disappointed you’re feeling later on.
You’re seeing what they want you to see
The person you’re seeing is not them, exactly.
You’re seeing the person that they want to be perceived as on this app.
They COULD be playing things completely straight and honest.
However there’s every chance that they will be projecting what they want you to think.
They’re saying they want someone to go travelling around the world with.
Now this could be true, but perhaps just as true could be that they want people to think they’re adventurous and they just want someone to eat Pringles with.
Or it could be that they want people to think they’re adventurous.
Same can be said for their photos.
Think about not only what they’re saying but also think about what they’re trying to get people to think about them.
Check your mileage
Now whilst long distance relationships are a thing I’m sure you can find someone closer than 200 miles away.
Matching with someone, hitting it off and then finding you’re an unviable distance apart is at best going to be disappointing and at worst kinda heartbreaking.
Don’t set yourself up for a fall.
Don’t project your insecurities onto them
Ask most people their favourite feature and they’ll mumble and bumble around mostly not wanting to answer.
Ask them what they don’t like and they’ll have provided a top 10 in seconds.
We each have our insecurities about our appearance, our interests, our height, our weight, our bodies, our education level and so much more.
It’s really important that we realise these are OUR insecurities.
If you like someone you should swipe on them, it’s that simple.
It is however so easy to project our insecurities onto people and say, for example, “oh she’d never be interested in me, I’m 3 inches shorter than her, there’s no point in swiping.”
Now, there’s a chance you could be right, but equally she might think you’re perfect.
One thing that’s for certain is that you can’t match if you don’t swipe.
Restrict your dating app time
Steve Jobs famously wore the same black turtleneck, jeans and trainers every day.
He did this as he was, oddly enough, very busy.
He recognised that every single decision that he made used up his energy, it literally burns calories, so being able to remove this decision from his day literally saved him energy.
Similarly, every single swipe, like, message and match is a decision that will use up your mentally energy.
Overuse of dating apps will leave you feeling exhausted.
It’s advisable to limit the amount of time you spend on them.
Quality over quantity
If you’re looking for the one then technically, you only need one person to talk to, now whilst I’m not naïve enough to suggest that you’ll fall desperately in love with the first person you start talking to, I think you get my point.
It’s mentally healthier to ignore the amount of people that like you.
Would you rather have shit conversations with 40 people or exciting conversations with 2?
All you can do is swipe
Just to reiterate the points earlier about control, once you’ve swiped on someone, or liked, or messaged then that’s it.
You’re done.
Whether they’re the most perfect human you’ve ever seen or you accidentally super-liked someone you were half-interested in when you were drunk it’s all down to them now.
They’ll either match with you, or they won’t.
Nothing else you can do, don’t let it concern you at all.
Section 2 – Woohoo, so they matched with you!
You liked them, they’ve liked you back.
It’s a match, how terribly exciting for you both.
There’s still potentially a bunch of pitfalls ahead so here’s a bit more information about protecting your mental health now that you’ve matched!
Don’t sweat the opening message
I’m not qualified to give dating advice I don’t think so this is dodgy ground here.
Yes, it’s important to send a good opening message but remember the following things.
1) ANYTHING is better than hey.
2) Hey is just about better than nothing at all.
Remember, they’re just another human being and you’re just having a conversation with someone.
You’re weighing them up just as much they’re weighing you up, be yourself!
Give and demand respect
Studies have shown that the majority of people on dating apps swipe on people that they perceive to be more attractive than themselves – this probably isn’t particularly surprising.
There is however a really important thing to remember.
No matter how attractive someone is, they are just one person, just like you, you’re equals and should treat each other as such.
There’s an interesting quote from Muhammad Ali that I think is relevant here:
“I don’t trust anyone who’s nice to me but rude to the waiter. Because they would treat me the same way if I were in that position.”
No-one should treat anyone else as if they are better or worse than themselves.
No-one is special, no-one is deserving of different treatment. Don’t give it out and don’t accept being treated as a lesser, even if you do think the sun shines out of their arse.
Honesty is the best policy in dating
Everyone, and I mean everyone has their shit going on – this includes you.
I think it is really important for people to always be honest, not just in the dating world.
That doesn’t mean you have to instantly reveal your deepest darkest secrets but if they ask you something just be honest.
Ultimately it comes down to what you’d expect from them, would you like them to lie to you or be honest when you’re getting to know each other.
The two of you are sizing each other up and you both need certain information in order to know if you want to meet or take things further.
Being honest gives you less stress and less things to remember.
Keep dating light and breezy
Carrying on from the above, and again this is slipping into dating advice which I’m not qualified to give.
Yes, you might actually want to find someone to settle down with and live in the country with two kids, 3 dogs and 12 guinea pigs BUT maybe don’t open with that.
Imagine you’re having a conversation with someone you’ve just met in a pub, how would that go?
Whilst honesty is important you don’t have to tell everyone everything straight away, wearing your heart on your sleeve is a surefire way to getting yourself hurt.
It is possible to be honest without giving out everything straight away.
Throwing everything someone straight away is a great way of getting yourself rejected.
Be patient
I personally can’t remember a time in my life where there have been so many things going on in the world.
There are so many distractions, an unbelievable amount of things and people demanding our attention.
It’s so exciting to have matched with someone. That wonderful feeling that you like someone and they like you too. So I get it, you just want to talk to them and see where things go.
However, just like you they have a bunch of things going on in their life.
So if it takes minutes, hours, or days to get a reply just be patient.
Once you’ve said your bit then it’s not your turn to speak.
No amount of checking back on the app, or worrying about it will change anything.
You’ve said your bit, it’s their turn to talk now.
Remember, they’re busy, just like you.
Be patient.
Moving away from the app
You will normally reach the point with someone you’re chatting to where you don’t want to be using the in-app chat any more.
For your own safety and well-being do not give out other contact information until you feel completely comfortable with that person.
If you feel unsure then chatting first through something like Instagram first before you give someone your phone number might be the best way forward for you.
Receiving unsolicited images/messages.
Although relatively rare there are people who just seem to like sending near strangers photos of their junk. Typically this is guys sending dick pics to people they’ve just started talking with.
But it can also be inappropriate sexual messages, threats etc.
Through my research online this isn’t illegal but it can obviously be distressing. If this happens to you then I’d suggest taking the details of the person who has done it and then blocking them. If it somehow continues then it can be reported to the police as harassment.
Although this isn’t completely avoidable you can attempt to protect yourself by discussing with your match about the exchange of such photos.
My personal opinion is that you can send each other whatever floats your boat but consent on each photo, at least initially, should be received.
You’re not the only one and neither are they
This is perhaps the craziest part of modern online dating compared to the good old days.
When you’re using Tinder or any other dating app you have access to literally thousands of potential suitors.
Unless you’re super picky then you’re going to end up with some matches, maybe you’ll end up with dozens, hundreds even! Who knows.
But the people who you’re talking to are likely to be in exactly the same situation. They will also be speaking to other people, getting to know them, potentially going on dates with them too.
Mentally it’s important to realise that as much as you like someone they’re very unlikely to be exclusively in contact with you. This is irrespective of whether you are only talking to them or are talking to a bunch of people.
There are no hard and fast rules on dating, well actually there are no rules at all.
If you only want to be talking to a particular person and would like them to do the same then it is probably time to have a grown up conversation.
Going to a position of exclusivity is a big step involving a lot of trust and honesty between you and the other person.
If you have previously been talking to other people it’s polite to tell them what your situation is rather than ghosting them.
Speaking of which…
Ghosting
There are some instances where you start speaking to people and for whatever reason the conversation just doesn’t flow.
That chat just naturally fizzles out and that’s fine.
Nothing really needs to be said, you both kinda just stop talking.
Ghosting is something differently entirely and in my personal opinion completely unacceptable.
Ghosting is when someone decides to break contact with the person they’re speaking to without giving them any indication that that’s what they’re doing.
It is impolite, it’s immature and it can be pretty damaging as well.
If you’ve developed some feelings for a certain person or an affinity has been created then to lose that without warning is painful.
Ghosting understandably causes self-doubt, anxiety, and leaves you questioning the whole interaction between you.
Here’s the thing though, and remember this.
GHOSTING SAYS A LOT MORE ABOUT THEM THAN YOU.
Let’s assume, worst case scenario that it genuinely was something stupid, inappropriate, idiotic etc that you said.
So it actually was entirely your fault that they don’t want to talk any more.
If this IS the case then they, firstly, you’d probably be aware of this but importantly this still doesn’t excuse them from not saying something.
Most of the time this isn’t the case.
Whatever the case is then it’s just the right thing to tell someone that you’ve been getting to know that you’re no longer interested.
Not doing so shows immaturity, cowardice, and ultimately shows a complete disregard for the other person’s feelings.
If this does happen to you then the best thing to say to yourself is:
“I wouldn’t want to be with someone who treats people like that anyway.”
It might not make the pain, confusion or anxiety go away but you’re saving yourself from someone who can’t just be honest, and that’s something.
Conclusion on mental health and dating apps
It’s vital to remember 4 things if you want to protect your mental health using dating apps.
- What you can control
- Acceptance of everything that happens
- To act with integrity
- That you’re dealing with other human beings
I covered points 1-3 at the beginning of this blog but it’s part 4 that I want to close on.
Modern dating through apps is just like any other relationship really in that it is a dynamic between two people.
You’re only ever in control of what you personally do, just as the other person is.
They’re a human being with free will, it’s not up to you what they do at all. This is why it is so important to not put too much weight of happiness or too much of your feelings in another person’s hands.
This is true whether it’s through a dating app or any other relationship.
If you want to protect your mental health whilst you’re trying to find love then I suggest you do the following.
Be careful with your heart and your feelings.
Be kind and honest with your words.
Have consideration and patience in your approach.
But most importantly, just be yourself because there’s no-one else on earth that can do that.
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