The Painful Power of Habits

Most of what we do as humans is as a result of habit, this is a learned behaviour and therefore can be unlearned.

You say you like having a coffee in the morning and perhaps you can’t function before you’ve had one. But there was a time in your life where you didn’t drink coffee and yet you still functioned.

Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to give up your morning brew.

My point is that any behaviour or trait that can be learned can be unlearned.

There are expressions that you used to say 5 years ago that you just don’t say anymore simply because you’ve got out of the habit of doing so and they’ve been replaced with other ones.

What happens in your life is just the same as morning coffee or things you say.

An cast iron example

Let’s say that you’re unhappy in your relationship.

It’s not that you don’t love your partner anymore and it’s not that you don’t want to be with them, it’s just that things don’t feel right, you’ve ended up doing things that you’re not happy with.

Maybe every Thursday they ask you to take the recycling bins out and you’ve taken the recycling bins out every Thursday for the last 3 years.

You could very easily just tell your partner that you don’t want to do it but you are in the habit of just saying “yes, of course”.

What would happen if you told them that you weren’t going to do it? What if you actually told your partner how you genuinely felt? That you’d like to take it in turns?

If it had been 3 years then the furrow has been ploughed very deep on this one but continuing on in the same way is only going to plough deeper.

If it causes resentment then it is only going to do further damage down the line.

You’ve probably heard of couples having huge arguments which start from something truly inconsequential like unloading the dishwasher.

This is because the metaphorical coke bottle has been shaken up for so long that the lid can’t contain the contents any longer and it explodes.

More than just physical actions

The recycling example is an easy one to get on board with and makes sense to most people.

This understanding is hopefully going to make the transition into the next bit that little bit easier.

One of the biggest things which affects our lives and how we feel is the actions that we take towards ourselves.

This can be anything from how we talk to ourselves (internally or externally), how we treat ourselves and what we allow to happen to us.

All of these things are habits.

Got a complex about your nose size?

Do you find that when you take a selfie the first thing you do is zoom in on your nose to see “just how awful it looks”?

Every time you keep brutally scrutinising your nose (or whatever feature) you are making things worse yourself. 

You are figuratively ploughing the same type of furrow that leads people to put the recycling bins out weekly for 3 years.

You are in the habit of being horrible to yourself.

What would happen if you didn’t absolutely destroy yourself mentally by picking on even the slightest perceived flaw?

What would happen if you just took a photo and said “that’s a photo of me”?

Is there a benefit to you engaging in this habit of ritually insulting yourself?

What could possibly go wrong if you just decided to be kinder to yourself?

Breaking the habit

It’s all very well me saying all this stuff but saying and doing are entirely different things.

This blog was designed to firstly draw your attention to the fact that all of these things that are making you feel worse are a habit.

Habits, whether they are smoking, picking your nails or letting people walk all over you are all breakable.

1. The first step in breaking any habit is recognising that it IS a habit.
2. Raise your own awareness of how deep the habit runs.
   To do this make a note of every time you engage in the habit. The “notes” section on your phone is great for this. Write down what you did and the surrounding circumstances.
   For example – “I put myself down in front of others, it was after work in the pub with a best friend and 2 people I was meeting for the first time” 
3. Try to notice any patterns of times when your habit is worse than others.
4. Start doing the EXACT opposite of your habit, as SOON as you notice you’re doing your habit.

That’s it.

But let me explain part 4).

If, for example, your habit is to put yourself down in front of others then as soon as you noticed yourself doing this you’d immediately say something positive about yourself instead.

I’m not sure it requires any further explanation than that.

It is nearly impossible, though prove me wrong, to instantly catch yourself every time you “do your habit” but the idea is to catch it 10% of the time and then 20% and then 50% etc until it is no longer a habit at all.

It will take time, it will take patience and it will be an up and down thing rather than a linear progression to success.

It is however incredibly achievable and will change your life and how you view yourself.

Moving forwards

I’d love to hear from you to get to know how you’ve got on with this technique.

If you’d like further advice or guidance on making better decisions for yourself or just want to find out a bit more about how life coaching works then this form below is pretty self explanatory.