How to Recover from a Bad Break-Up

Introduction to Bad Break-Up Recovery

This is about the mental recovery and mindset following break-ups.

It is primarily written to help people who didn’t want their relationship to end, however people who chose to end their relationships and are hurting because of that will gain some benefit too, hopefully.

This is not about logistics, right or wrong, or the legal side of things, custody of children or anything of that nature.

Sadly my very first bit of advice is that whoever they are, whatever your history, whatever they’ve said to you, promised you or whatever you think they are like seek legal advice.

Even if they’re “definitely not that type of person to screw you over”.

Break ups aren’t plain sailing and no-one is going to screw anyone over until they decide to do so, if you get utterly blindsided by something it really helps to know legally where you stand with regards to ownership of property, possessions, rights and access to any children you have etc etc.

I’m not qualified to give that advice but I’m qualified to tell you to go and get that advice from the people that are.

It’s like grief so don’t give yourself a hard time

In the days, weeks, months and even years following a break-up there are going to be times when you feel downright miserable.

This can be the case even if you are the one who decided to call time on the relationship.

You shouldn’t give yourself a hard time about how you feel following a break-up because you are literally grieving.

You wouldn’t say “oh, I shouldn’t be feeling like this still” a month after someone close to you had died so don’t say it a month after your break-up.

It’s your time to grieve the end of a relationship but unlike death it can have a sense of not being final. 

There is maybe that nagging sensation that maybe, possibly, things might change and you could get back together.

Anything you feel is valid, you can’t just switch your feelings for someone off no matter how they’ve acted.

Your feelings can, and perhaps will, range from delight that it’s over and recognising all the positives of being out of the relationship down to feeling like you literally can’t live without them.

All emotions, whether you like them or not, need to be processed and let out.
There is literally no shame in spending a whole evening crying if that’s what you need to do. If you’ve had a particularly unpleasant break-up and haven’t been treated respectfully by someone who is supposed to love you then you have every right to feel horrendous.

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself and to want others to feel sorry for you too.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that but at some point you need to stand up, wipe away your tears and move forwards (even if you need a little cry every day).

Create outward focus

Going through a bad break-up is a very selfish experience, that isn’t said as an insult in any way, it is just that when it happens all our focus turns to what has happened to ourselves.

This is through no fault of our own, it is very natural.

The problem comes when this all consuming thing is just allowed to consume us – it becomes somewhat of a pity party.

One of the purest and easiest ways to get yourself of this feeling and restore pride and self-confidence is to turn your focus outwardly.

Look to help others with their problems and be there for friends – look at the love, value and happiness you bring into their lives.

By doing nice things, giving gifts or just spending time amongst family, friends or even struggling work colleagues you will not only be helping those around you but you’ll be helping yourself in the process.

The end of a relationship can really damage your belief in yourself and what you can do for others but one person deciding they don’t want you to have the same role in your life doesn’t define who you are and what role you have in other people’s lives.

Remind yourself how loved and valued you are.

Break-up Recovery isn’t a straight line

When it comes to break-up recovery everyone just wants to be able to click their fingers and be over their ex, they want to not love them anymore and they want to not hurt.

Realistically you’re going to be on a general trend of upward trajectory where over time you feel gradually better. However, within this upward trend there are going to be days/weeks where suddenly you feel like you’re back at square one.

Bad times could be caused by a message, it being a certain date, maybe you see them in public or hear something about your ex.

You’re not back to square one, you’ve just had a bad time, and as long as you go back to doing what has been helping you then you’ll get back to that recovery again.

Throughout this blog I’m going to be advising you and telling you a lot of things to do or not do, the chances are that you are going to do the opposite of this a lot of the time.

Hopefully not because my advice is bad but just because you’re a human being with feelings and as such you’re an emotional being – and that’s ok.

Accept that the relationship is over

This is one of the hardest things for people to do when their relationship is over, accepting that it is.

I suppose that all of what is about to follow is part of that acceptance process but to start with you simply have to tell yourself that they aren’t your partner anymore, they are your ex.

Don’t try to convince them to stay with you.

Definitely don’t beg or plead with them.

Don’t try to change their mind.

Think about this for a minute, despite everything you might have built together, do you really want to be with someone that you’ve had to beg to be with? Think about the relationship dynamic that you’d have moving forwards.

You’d be living in constant fear that things would be about to fall apart. Furthermore you would be doing everything possible to make sure that you were keeping them completely happy at all times possibly, or rather probably, sacrificing your own happiness and self-worth along the way.

If the relationship can be salvaged it has to come from a position where the person ending things realises that they’ve made a mistake and then it is up to them to come to you and try and rectify the situation.

Accept that the relationship is over and in no way should you be the one trying to stop that happening.

One way is to try and get used to referring to them as “my ex” as early as possible.

Cut all but essential contact ASAP

In order to move on from a break-up the other person needs to be out of your life as much as conceivably possible.

Break-ups can be traumatic and cause huge emotional turmoil, interaction with your ex is very likely to be something that increases this turmoil.

That’s why I strongly recommend only having essential contact with your ex as soon as you possibly can.

This means messaging about logistical/financial/legal/childcare issues only.

Don’t send memes, or tell them what you’re up to, or ask how they’re doing.

What YOU need following a break-up is time to heal and sort yourself out, you are responsible for own well-being, they are responsible for their own.

If they get in contact with you for anything outside of the reasons listed above then coolly, calmly and politely tell them that you’re not interested in talking about that.

You can even not respond at all.

“I’d prefer it if from now on we keep our conversations about (whatever the minimum is)”

Is a perfectly reasonable and polite thing to say.

You can just keep sending the same thing back each and every time.

The harsh truth is that you don’t owe them anything at this moment and you NEED to be your own priority.

Unfollow them/unfriend them

This is kinda the modern day nail in the coffin, unfollowing them on Social Media – on all platforms.

Unfollow, unfriend and avoid the temptation of checking up on how they’re doing.

Depending on your situation it may be advisable to unfriend or at least unfollow anyone who is likely to post things about your ex too.

There is literally no benefit to you seeing what’s going on in their life now.

If you don’t do this then you’re putting yourself in a no win situation: 

1. They don’t post much then you’re left wondering what they’re up to and why they aren’t posting stuff – you feel shit.
2. If they do post things it’ll be one of two things:
   a. Them “living their best life” without you – you feel shit
   b. Them posting stuff about feeling sad/lonely etc which makes you feel like their may be regret and that things could work out again – gives you hope that eventually makes you feel shit.

The one argument against this is if you have children together, you might well want to see photos of what they’re up to, now whilst this is true do you really want to see what you’re missing out on? Or would you prefer to be making your own new memories with you and your children.

Don’t judge yourself based upon how or what they’re doing

Through the grapevine or possibly because you’ve checked out their social media or whatever you might well find out about how your ex is doing.

They could be with someone else, sleeping around, having a really hard time, partying like a single person instantly or even just getting on with their life just fine.

Now despite your situations being very similar they are also completely different.

Do NOT allow yourself to make comparisons between how you’re doing and how you’ve heard/seen/”know” your ex is doing.

You’re different people going through a similar experience but despite the similarity you need to keep focussing on yourself.

You and your ex are not in competition about anything, you are an individual trying to get back to a solid foundation in life after a traumatic experience.

Whatever your ex’s situation, suffering or prospering, it has no bearing on your situation.

Comparison should be avoided at all costs.

As mentioned previously, cutting contact and cutting social media ties will be of massive benefit to you in this regard – you don’t need to know what’s going on in their life.

Avoid Comparison with new partners

At some point in the future whether it be eventually or instantly your ex will be in a new relationship with someone.

It is only natural to look at them and make comparisons with yourself.

Whilst it IS completely natural it is also utterly unhelpful. 

Here’s why.

You’re going to be looking at this new partner through the lens of your own insecurities; For example: Don’t think you’ve got a good body? Then you’re going to either see that they’ve got a better body and feel even worse or see that they haven’t got a better body and start looking for something else wrong with you.

Or worse perhaps you compare yourself and think that you’re better than them and then question what’s wrong with you that you can’t see.

Finally and most importantly you don’t know what’s going on in your ex’s head, you don’t know what their new relationship is like and why on earth should it matter to YOU who they’re with now, it’s your ex’s decision!

There is no comparison that you can make with their new partner which is going to make you feel better, especially if you still are at the point where you want to be with your ex. Because no matter what the comparison you make you’ve ended up on the “losing side” in your eyes.

Seek support and don’t feel guilty about doing so

One of the most important things to do when you’re going through anything difficult in your life is to seek support from your loved ones.

Having a support network, and also being part of one for others, is a powerful way to accelerate your recovery from a break-up.

I’m not saying you can’t do it without the help of others but why would you want to?

Talking about what’s going on for you, venting about how bad things are and just being in other people’s company will all help.

It will utterly feel like you’re laying a load of shit onto your loved ones and chances are that you’ll feel guilty about doing so but there’s two things you need to get your head around.

1. You would happily listen to them if roles were reversed.
2. It’s ok to be selfish, particularly in times of emotional need. 

One thing that will really help your loved ones is to tell them that they don’t have to have any answers to your problems, just the action of getting your thoughts out of your head will help you.

It can be the case that people feel they HAVE to have a magical answer to help you in these times.

Don’t go down memory lane 

One of the quickest ways of feeling terrible about your situation and break-up is to dive down memory lane.

There may be a time and a place to do so but it’s not when you’re in the recovery stage of a break-up so actively avoid:

1. Looking at old photos
2. Thinking about the good old days
3. Talking about how things used to be
4. Looking through mementos/birthday cards/valentines day cards etc
5. Contacting your ex when something reminds you of them.
6. Basically anything that’s going to make you nostalgic about the relationship. 

One of the best bits of advice I can give on this is the fact you can block people and certain dates on Facebook memories.

So if you still like to be reminded of the good old days of having fun with friends and family but don’t want any of the notifications to involve your ex partner then this is possible.

Please see the screenshot below.

Don’t project into the future

A relationship is, or can be, the very foundation of your life. Your ex will have filled a number of needs within your life and you will likely have built your life around the idea of being together long into the future.

When that relationship ends it can throw up all sorts of logistical problems about where you’re going to be living, changes to work/life balance, childcare issues, finances and so much more.

It can be very easy to spiral off down to what all of this will mean in a month, the month after that, the next 3 years etc because there can be such an intimidating amount of unknowns.

But you can’t solve next month’s problems right now, you can only solve what is directly in front of you.

When you’re faced with this situation it can help to write down what you think you need to be concentrating on into a list.

Then work out from that list what NEEDS to be decided/acted upon today.

And when I say NEED I mean “unless I do this I have nowhere to sleep tonight” type of need.

Take care of those things first, the rest can wait, the next day you can repeat the exercise. 

I’m not naïve or stupid enough to suggest that there aren’t really important decisions that need to be made straight away post break-up, believe me I KNOW.

What I am suggesting is that worrying about decisions that have to be made in the future doesn’t help you in the present when you’ve already got enough on your plate.

Don’t seek revenge

Revenge isn’t a dish best served cold, revenge is best taken off of the menu and left in the bin out of the back of the restaurant never to be used again.

When someone hurts us the natural instinct can be that they should suffer the same fate, it’s this primal or perhaps childish response which ends up with small things escalating into huge arguments.

No matter what your ex has done do not retaliate, now whilst this might be seen as them “getting away with it” or you being weak it actually takes a lot more strength to just let it pass.

“The best revenge is to not be like your enemy.”

Marcus Aurelius  

Live your life for you and don’t let how you’ve been treated affect your future

Keep busy

If you don’t keep your mind occupied then your mind will find a way to occupy itself and typically it’ll go off in search of something to think about.

More often than not this will be what is troubling you most, i.e. your break up.

The less time you can spend thinking about this the better.

You can spend your time how you want but thoroughly recommending spending time with friends and family, exercising, mindfulness colouring/painting, partaking in your hobbies and using the extra time in life single life has granted you.

Don’t think about what you could have done differently

When relationships end there can be a lot of fingers pointing and accusations made from both sides.

If you weren’t the one to call time on things and would have preferred the relationship to carry on then it is very easy for our brains to say “what did I do wrong?” or “what could I have done differently?”

Your brain will naturally start looking for answers to this but the brutal truth is that the past is already written.

As such the answers are “it doesn’t matter if you did anything wrong or not” and “you can’t do anything differently because it is in the past.”

I’d strongly advise being this blunt with yourself, because diving into answers of “if only I had…” is just going to cause yourself mental torment.

Set very solid boundaries with your ex

This falls into the same category as the previously mentioned idea of bare minimum communication.

From this point forward you need to be incredibly clear with yourself about what you will and won’t accept from your ex in terms of actions and behaviour.

Here’s a few questions to set your mind off in the right direction.

“What are you willing to talk about?”

“Are you going to have any physical contact? Hugs/handshakes.”

“Do you even need to see or speak to them ever again?”

“Will you send birthday cards/presents?”

“Will you stay in contact with their family members?”

“Did you have abbreviated names for each other, if so will you still use them?”

“Will you accept compliments?”

You should have clear red lines drawn and you must stick to them, this will help you to define your ex’s new role in your life if there even is one.

Understand what your new relationship is with this person

Following on from this is understanding what this person now means to you.

If you were married with children then you are probably going to have legal stuff to go through and because of your children the two of you are going to be tethered to each other in some way whether you like it or not.

If you rented a house/flat together you can split, decide on the living arrangements and possessions and then never see each other again

So who is your ex to you now? The mother of your children? A friend? A nobody? Just somebody that you used to know?

Find yourself/fix yourself

This is something that most people need to do on some level but coming out of a break-up, particularly a bad one will leave emotional scars and thinking patterns around oneself that may not be entirely helpful to you.

For example if you relied on your ex for validation then it is important that you learn to validate yourself – the alternative is that in your next relationship you end up needing validation again and the relationship can go the same way.

Break ups can feel utterly soul-destroying as if your life is over and there’s no point carrying on, however with the help of time and a shift of perspective it can feel like the right thing to have happened. 

Sometimes it’s the manner of the break-up which is the painful part not, on reflection, that it happened.

Break-ups allow you more freedom and more time, you are “responsible” for one less person

How are you going to use this freedom and time?

Be single (whatever that means to you)

The amount of people that come out of relationships and are instantly in another relationship is quite frankly a little terrifying. Whether this comes from a lack of self-confidence that they can be by themselves and be happy or whether they’re convincing themselves that it’s fine to just be with someone else straight away it doesn’t matter I suppose.

I would very strongly recommend being single for a while – for some people this might mean that they go and have no-strings-attached fun with people, for others it means that Saturdays can now be spent in complete silence reading a book.

There isn’t a right or wrong with this really, it’s whatever is right for you.

If you want another relationship the best state of mind you can go into it is one of not needing to be in a relationship.

When you’re at utter ease being single and being yourself the pressure on the relationship is completely off.

Decide what you want in your next relationship

Once you’re in a better place with regards to your break-up and have, perhaps, found out who you are a little more it’s time for you decide what you want your next relationship to be like.

No relationship is perfect and if previously there were things in your relationship that you hated then you don’t have to put up with them anymore.

You can draw your boundaries on what a relationship should look like, where did the last one not meet your needs? You don’t have to make do, you can decide what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re not.

Conclusion on overcoming bad break-ups

Break-ups, even amicable ones, are full of emotional turmoil and upset, having been through a particularly gnarly break-up I took what I knew as a therapist, combined it with advice my own life coach gave me and added in what I found helped me and hurt me through the process.

My hope is that something contained within this guide on what might help things feel a bit less rubbish will help you in some way.

If you’re having trouble moving forwards or you’ve got there and aren’t sure where to go now then maybe I can help.

I’m a life coach, hypnotherapist and someone who can sympathise and empathise with your situation.

Click below to book in for a free chat with me.