Saying Sorry Too Much – How to Stop Over-Apologising

The word sorry has got to be one of the most misused words in the English language.

People are saying sorry for absolutely everything nowadays when there’s absolutely no need to.

If you’re someone who finds themselves apologising to furniture when they walk into it then this is for you.

In this blog I’ll be talking about the word sorry as a whole, why you shouldn’t be apologising so much, why it’s so damaging to you and what to do instead.

When people say sorry it should be because they’re apologising for doing something wrong or accidentally/unintentionally putting someone out .

An interesting dynamic takes place when an apology is made.

For a brief time by saying “I’m sorry” you’re placing yourself briefly as “lower than” the person you’re apologising to.

Think how many times sorry is followed up with phrases like:

• I’ll make it up to you
• I owe you one
• You’re the best
• I’m the worst
  Or variations on these.

An apology comes in 3 stages

1. I’m sorry for…(NOT followed by the word but)
2. Something done to make amends
3. A passage of time passes.
4. Back to normal again (unless what’s being apologised for changes things massively between you and the person you’re apologising to)

Now all of this is absolutely fine when the apology is necessary.

However when you’re apologising to someone, or perhaps for someone unnecessarily then you are putting yourself in the situation where you’re “lesser than”/”owe them” for no reason.

Once or twice, yeah, no bother, but when this becomes a pattern of behaviour it can start to affect your self-worth, self-confidence and/or self-esteem.

But why does this happen?

Why people say sorry too much

Apologies are supposed to be made when you’ve offended or failed someone in some way. They are a way of bringing peace to a situation at time when there is perhaps conflict going on.

Here’s a list of reasons why apologies are made unnecessarily.

• Being uncomfortable with any level of conflict
• Not wanting to upset or disappoint people
• Wanting to be considered nice and polite
• Low self-esteem, if something is wrong, it must be you that’s caused it.
• Perfectionism means that your standards are unobtainable and when you fail to meet them you must apologise.
• Making excuses for someone else’s behaviour (a drunk partner at a party for example – “I’m sorry about her”)
• Habit – this is where apologising to furniture starts happening, you say sorry before you’ve even had a chance to assess whether you’ve done something wrong.

What saying sorry too much does to you

Whilst you might say that you come across as nice and polite or a people pleaser by apologising left, right and centre it can actually have a detrimental effect on how people view you.

It can make you look:

• Needy
• Desperate
• Untrustworthy (you say sorry a lot so you must make a lot of mistakes)
• Less confident
• Weak

These are not really traits that most people strive for.

How to stop saying sorry too much

Over-apologising can be a real frustration for anyone who does it, the words often slip out of their mouth before they even realise it, so how do you stop it?

Well, you can, if you like look back into the past, see how you were raised, see what models and dynamics of relationship system you were brought up seeing.

Did one parent always apologise to appease their partner out of fear of violence, or them leaving or to stop them doing something else?

This is something that you could work through over time with a counsellor.

As a cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist I focus my time and efforts on dealing with what’s going on in the present.

This isn’t to say that what happened in the past didn’t shape things or that it isn’t worth looking at but it can be more quickly effective to concentrate on today and tomorrow rather than yesterday.

There isn’t a quick fix which is going to take you from over-apologiser to “cured” overnight. It will be a gradual process.

Below is a list of things that all can help you to stop saying sorry too much, you can use all of them without them conflicting with each other.

1) Learn these saying sorry tweaks

There are times when people tend to say sorry when they’re not actually sorry.

If you can recognise the following times and learn to tweak what you say instead you’ll be making a powerful first step..

When you give your opinion

You are allowed to have a different opinion to someone else.

“I’m sorry but I think Squid Game was awesome” isn’t something you need to apologise for. Instead you can simply say “I think Squid Game was awesome”.

When saying no to someone

“No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that”

Are you really sorry? No. 

How about “Unfortunately I’m busy” or “Regrettably, I’ve made other plans already.” both can carry the same sincerity as an apology without “sorry” passing your lips.

When existing

“Sorry to bother you” When going up to the receptionist at the Doctor’s Surgery who you’re simply asking to do her job is not a reason to say sorry.

“Excuse me” or “Pardon me” if you’re feeling a little more formal is perfectly polite and acceptable.

When your feelings are hurt

“You cheated on me, I’m sorry but that makes me mad.”

Wait, what? You’re sorry?

You’re sorry that someone has done something to hurt your feelings?

Um, not on my watch.

Your feelings are valid and do not need apologising for.

“What you’ve done has made me mad” is a more than fair response.

When someone helps you

“I’m sorry I can’t do this by myself”

No-one is capable of doing everything, it’s ok to need help, love and support from other people. You don’t need to apologise for not being able to do everything alone.

“Thanks for your help” is much more powerful (more on this in a bit).

When you’re in a disagreement with someone

Similar to when you’re simply voicing your opinion you don’t need to apologise for standing up for yourself. You can be polite and friendly in a disagreement without offending someone.

2) Become aware of when you say sorry too much

As I’ve said a couple of times already, apologies often are said before you’ve even noticed what’s happened.

Gaining a real sense of awareness of the situations when you do say sorry too much is the first step.

Start by making a list of those circumstances.

Is it in certain places?

With certain people more than others? 

Does it happen more at home or at work? 

You might well notice a pattern, or you might just find you apologise all the time, even saying sorry to the toaster for invading his personal space by walking into the kitchen.

If you do notice a pattern then prime yourself in those circumstances to be looking out for the times you’re likely say sorry and do your absolute best to not say it.

3) Make a sorry count

If you find you apologise all the time and there isn’t a pattern then start making a count every day of how many times you say sorry.

You might actually startle yourself into apologising less by becoming aware of how many times you utter the forbidden words.

Your goal, using either awareness of it or by using the other techniques here, is to try and reduce that count by at least 1 apology each day.

4) Correct yourself

This isn’t going to be for everyone but if you really are in the habit of just saying “sorry” without thinking about it then this can be very effective.

If you find yourself saying “I’m sorry” to someone/something unnecessarily then take a second and follow it up with what you would rather have said.

“I’m sorry for being late…actually I meant to say thanks for being so patient.”

It might feel wrong or weird initially but you are teaching yourself the way you’d like to respond.

5) Say thank you instead

A sorry pushes you down but a thank you can lift someone else up.

Most people, the ones who aren’t sociopaths or narcissists, don’t get anything out of being unnecessarily apologised to.

Equally most people like a pleasant statement or compliment.

“Thank you” can turn your apologies, unnecessary or otherwise, into little compliments.

As you just saw “I’m sorry I’m late” can be “Thank you for waiting for me.”

“Sorry I’m such an anxious person” can become “Thank you for always supporting me.”

“Sorry for complaining/venting/ranting” sounds better as “Thank you for listening to me.”

“Sorry I’m so scared of spiders” can be “Thanks for being a spider-catcher extraordinaire.”

I’m hoping you’re getting the idea.

Next time you apologise listen to the words you’re saying, perhaps even write them down and see if you could twist them around into a “thank you” statement.

You can still even say this statement later on to whoever needs to hear it.

6) Ask yourself what you’re apologising for

Next time you say sorry to someone, stop and ask yourself “what am I apologising for?”

And don’t leave it at that, actually give yourself an answer.

“I’m sorry it’s only beans on toast for dinner tonight, I was snowed under at work and didn’t get a chance to go to the shop.”

So, you’re apologising for being busy at work, you’re apologising for literally not having time to go to the shop and somehow you’re sorry for the fact that despite that you’ve still managed to cook that all time wholesome classic beans on toast.

Is that really something that needs apologising for? I think not.

But if you are rushing through a bar and spill someone’s drink…”Oh, I’m so sorry, I was rushing, let me buy you another drink.”

Then you’re apologising correctly and don’t need to do anything differently.

7) Work on your self-confidence and self-esteem

Low self-confidence can make you apologise more which lowers your self-confidence which makes you apologise more etc.

It’s a spiral.

Whether you have an issue with self-confidence or self-esteem you are the one responsible for that, not anybody else. It is your job to make yourself have better self-worth and confidence.

In previous blogs I’ve gone into a lot of depth on how you can do this, particularly in the area of self-confidence, so I won’t go into that here but be aware that this is something you can do to stop yourself saying sorry too much.

Increase self confidence blog

Increase self-esteem blog

Conclusion on saying sorry too much

Let’s be clear, saying sorry too much doesn’t make you a bad person but it can affect how you view yourself and how others view you.

People who do say sorry too much can become afraid that if they start saying it less then they’ll not say it when it definitely needs saying.

I want to be clear, if you’re the type of person that has read this far then that is never going to happen to you.

You’re not going to suddenly become an unsympathetic and sociopathic monster that refuses to acknowledge any wrong doings, ever.

By apologising for everything it can actually water down the sincerity of your apology – “well if she apologises unreservedly for walking into a chair how much can she really mean it when she apologises for something serious”

As I mentioned earlier this is going to be a gradual process to start cutting out unnecessary apologies and using the tweaks, thank yous and mindset changes to empower yourself.

If you’ve found this blog insightful and are perhaps looking for help overcoming confidence or self-esteem problems then book in for a free 30-minute “discovery call” to see if the problems you’re facing are something that I can help with.

Just click the button below.