What I do, as a life coach/therapist when things go wrong in life

What I do as a therapist/coach when I something goes wrong in my life

No matter who you are and what you do you’re not immune from things falling down around you, whether that be from your own mistakes or the universe just throwing the middle finger up at you for no apparent reason.

As a life coach exactly the same rules apply to me, unfortunately sometimes you get awful news that changes everything for you – sometimes long term, sometimes more briefly.

Sadly this happened to me recently and after some time to process the news it occurred to me that how I go through and process things might be of interest or helpful to other people.

After consulting my awesome Instagram followers with a poll it turned out I was right as I was given an overwhelming yes.

So, here it is – a step by step guide to how I deal with shit happening to me.

I want to be clear though, I don’t robotically go through this in order like a psycho, in fact prior to writing this blog I didn’t even know what my exact steps were.

I knew there were things that I do to help me overcome obstacles but I’d never set them out in a meaningful way before.

This has actually been a really interesting exercise for me to go through to discover my own process.

I guess rather than a step by step process this is more of a guide on the things that I think are important to do to help you deal with obstacles in life.

They’re things to keep in mind when the shit hits the fan!

Right, I’ll stop rambling and get on with it.

1. React to whatever has happened to me

It is utterly pointless to pretend that we are all anything else other than human. This means that as an emotional being like everyone else my first involuntary step is to react to whatever has happened.

With the right (or probably wrong) stimulus the kindest people can go into fits of rage or the most volatile can actually emotionally shut down.

Your initial reaction, no matter how much you dislike it, doesn’t actually define you as a person.

Very importantly you should judge yourself for whatever your reaction might be.

After reading and putting into practise a large amount of Stoic Philosophy I am pretty good at keeping myself together even in emotional situations.

This isn’t to say I am not incapable of shouting, swearing, crying, raging etc when the shit hits the fan – it is actually important to let these emotions and feelings out even if they feel “wrong” or “horrible”.

Once you have had your initial reaction which may be minutes or it may be hours you will return to some form of “emotional homeostasis”.

This doesn’t mean that everything is now ok, it might be very far from ok.

So what I do, and what I consider to be the best thing to do is to just naturally react to things whilst trying to cause the least amount of negative impact on others.

We are never at our best when we are emotional and can be prone to saying shitty things or making bad decisions.

One of the most important things that I always attempt to do when something bad has happened is not let bad things put up walls or push loved ones away.

There is a difference between needing some space and pushing people away.

It is absolutely 100% fine to need some space to process things but pushing people away is not a good plan as we will almost certainly need them again.

2. Feeling what I’m feeling

Emotions are our brain’s voice, they call out to us with wants and needs – bottling these up or pushing them away is unhelpful and unhealthy.

If I’m sad I let myself be sad, if I’m angry I let myself be angry, if I’m frustrated I let myself be frustrated.

I have no issue owning my feelings and letting myself sit in the emotion and getting a picture of what I’m feeling and why.

It helps to process whatever news I’ve received properly and deeply.

People talk about having to put a brave face on things or having a stiff upper lip – whilst this is partly a generational thing it does also bleed through into modern society.

“Man up” is about one of the pointless and ridiculous expressions there is.

The suggestion that it is more “manly” to pretend everything is fine and than drink/binge/get high as a coping mechanism than to say how you’re feeling is ludicrous.

Why should anyone care about how manly they appear? Do they give out a monthly manliness medal that I haven’t heard about or something?

So just let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel.

3. Seek support

As I’m going through what I’m feeling, or perhaps afterwards depending on what is going on I will then seek support.

You probably already know who “your people” are, but I realised a few years ago that different people are better versed at dealing with different things (how odd, right?)

Here is a potential mic drop moment so prepare yourselves.

When you seek support the person you’re talking to will just be doing their best with the skills, knowledge and experience which they possess.

It is unfair to expect them to have any form of answer or solution to what is going on for you.

I have in the past actually pre-empted this by saying “I don’t need you to have anything clever or helpful to say, I just need to talk.”

A friend of mine had a truly horrific cancer ordeal at a unfairly young age and she actually got sick to death of people telling her to “be brave” or “stay strong” or “keep fighting it” – she took comfort in talking to me because I just said “this is really really shit, isn’t it?”

Again people saying “be brave” etc are actually just doing their best and they don’t know what else to say.

Bottom line, I seek support from whoever I think is best (sometimes several people) and let them know that I don’t have an expectation from them (if appropriate).

Support for me can sometimes come in the form of my own life coach who has had my back so many times when the chips have been down.

Yep, even life coaches have life coaches!

4. Do your best to remain kind

This ties in with what has already been mentioned to a degree.

When you receive some bad news it can bring out the worst in us and inevitably it affects our mood in a big way.

I really try my hardest to not let my own mood and situation bleed into how I treat the people around me.

Practising kindness when you’re in a bad place mentally is not only a nice thing to do for people you interact with but it can lift your own mood.

Being kind to other people for me personally has a very uplifting affect on how I’m feeling within myself.

Something as simple as smiling, holding a door open for someone or wishing a shop assistant a nice day can just be a little  “one-percenter” that helps things a little.

It can be hard when you’re feeling crappy but being kind doesn’t have a downside.

5. Don’t project into the future

This is a really hard one for a lot of people and I also at times struggle to keep the reins on this one too.

Whatever has happened I always do my absolute best to keep my brain in the present.

This is impossible to do 100% of the time but as soon as I notice that my brain is wondering off into “what if land” then I just calmly bring it back to the present and don’t judge myself for doing so.

In anxious people particularly it can be really easy to overthink and catastrophize but it is really important to not let yourself suffer imaginary consequences that haven’t even happened yet.

Example of projecting into the future and what you shouldn’t do!

Situation – You find out your partner has been messaging someone behind your back.

You decide that means the relationship is over.
That means that one of you has to move out.
This means a big argument about all this.
Who is going to get the furniture?
If they leave do you even want to stay here?
Where will you live?
What if they start a relationship with this person?
What if this other person is everything you’re not?
What is wrong with me?
How will I feel on their wedding day?

End of example

If that is what not to do then what should you do in this example?

Feel sad about the infidelity, move towards accepting the situation.
There is clearly more to it in terms of what can help you in general and we’ll be diving into more shortly. 

The important thing here is to keep your thoughts in the present moment.
What is actually going on for you right now at this moment?

THAT is what you need to be putting your brain power into, not imaginary events of the future which may or may not come to pass.

6. Set a time limit for feeling crappy.

This might seem a bit silly but it is something I have been doing more of lately.

When something crappy happens I give myself a certain amount of time to feel bad about it/feel sorry for myself and after that I move into being a lot more pragmatic about the situation.
Typically for me this is 24-48 hours.

I am aware this sounds perhaps a bit silly but it does 2 things.

Firstly it allows you to feel your feelings as mentioned above.
Secondly it restricts how long you feel them for, allowing you to move on.

There often seems to feel as if there is some sort of pressure to feel better as quickly as possible when confronted with bad news, but it isn’t really so.
You don’t have to just “get over things” straight away.

By trying to feel happier (or whatever) as quickly as possible you’ll actually be slowing down your “recovery”.

So, I allow myself time to come to terms with whatever has happened and within that timeframe just let myself do and feel whatever I need to do and feel.

Once that time limit is up I make a conscious decision to be more logical, pragmatic and problem solving about what has happened.

You don’t have to do this but I really find it helps.

7. Recognise what control you had

I’ve spoken a lot about “bad news” but this could come in many forms from something bad happening to you, something happening around you or sometimes even something that you caused yourself.

Some people can be very quick to blame themselves when the slightest thing goes wrong in their lives, others will deny all blame even when it is obvious that they could have taken steps to avoid it.

Neither is particularly helpful in these scenarios so it can be a good thing to have a look over what has happened.

What I like to look at is how much control I had with regards to this news/situation.

(Great time to mention my blog about the illusion control)

I, just like everyone else, only ever control what I’m thinking and what I’m doing.

When things have gone wrong it can be helpful and important to look back over what I could have thought or done differently.

This all being said I can’t actually ever control what anyone else is thinking or doing.

So, I like to look back over things and see whether there was anything I could have done differently that would have made any difference to the outcome.

If there is then I take the lesson from that I make sure I do better in the future.

There’s no point or help in beating oneself up over mistakes, learning from them is the best I can do.

If I find that I did everything within my control to help the situation then I let myself be at peace with that.

Any intrusive thoughts that come into my head that I “should’ve done this or that” I put to rest with the simple reminder that I couldn’t have done any more.

I appreciate the above sentence sounds pretty blase but it is the best solution.

It can end up being an ongoing battle where the thought of “I should have done this” comes up over and over, each and every time it happens I calmly remind myself that I couldn’t have done more.

8. Accept it

I’ve written a whole other blog on acceptance here which I recommend you read if you struggle with this step.

Once I’ve felt my feelings, given myself sometime and have got through the “reacting” phase of things it’s time to accept whatever has happened.

First point to make is that accepting something and being happy about it are not the same thing.

Accepting something is simply allowing whatever has happened to become your truth even if you don’t like it.

If a relationship has ended, that’s it, it’s done, you’re single – take some time to be you.

Had some bad medical news, well of course you hate that but now you’ve received your diagnosis there’s no point fighting or denying it, that’s just how it is – what next?

Sitting in a state of denial is exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally, it literally burns your energy.

Swallowing the sometimes horrific bitter pill of truth and getting past the stage of flat-out denial as horrible as it is brings you through to a place where you can use your energy in a much more positive manner.

9. Find at least one positive in the bad news

When I write these blogs there are often times where I do so feeling the hate and rage I know people will feel when they read it.

This step right here is one of those times.

No matter how bleak something is there is always, eventually, at least one positive to come out of it.

(Good time to mention my blog on gratitude)

Again BIG thing to point out, finding a positive in an awful situation doesn’t stop the situation being an awful.

It certainly doesn’t make you a bad person either.

This ties in with acceptance as well.

Once the bad situation has occurred, it has occurred, nothing can change that so why wouldn’t you try and find at least one positive in it.

Finding a good thing in a bad situation doesn’t mean you wouldn’t undo the bad situation in a heartbeat given the option, it just means you’re making the best of the cards you’ve been dealt.

This may come to you instantly, but it may take days, months or even years.

Find a positive and you’ll be doing yourself a massive favour.

There are countless examples throughout history and the lives of people you know whereby a horrific incident is actually what made the person who they were.

10. Decide what it means

This is one of the biggest steps when I receive bad news, deciding what this means for me and my future.

This is when I can let my brain go into the future a little because at some point it has to but the foundations have to be set first.

The difference between now and what was mentioned in step 5 is that I will have had some time to process things a little, there will be a level of acceptance, perhaps gratitude and I’ll be working off of a solid foundation – hopefully not in an emotional state.

I realise that “what it means to me” is difficult to sum up briefly as there is a pretty broad spectrum as to what “bad news” might be.

I don’t really have a set process for this but ultimately I need to know:

What does this “bad news” change for me? 

What changes I might need to make?

Have any of my boundaries been crossed?

This part is so ridiculously circumstantial that it is pretty difficult to go into it in any detail.

11. Make a plan of how to move forwards

I guess this is the part where my work as a coach comes into its own – my work literally is to help people to get to where they want to be in life.

This includes myself.

Before we dive into that let’s look at what I would have done on the way to being in a place to decide what to do.

• Reacted to the circumstances and not judged myself for how I’ve reacted.
• Let myself feel my feelings.
• Asked for support from the people I feel are going to help me most.
• Done my absolute best to remain kind to the people around me.
• Not projected whatever has happened into the future.
• Given myself a time limit for how long I’m going to allow this to affect me.
• Recognised what control I had in the situation and perhaps what I could have done differently.
• Accepted whatever has happened to me to give myself a solid foundation to move forwards.
• Found at least one positive in the situation.
• Decided what this news means to me. 

With that all said and done what do I do next is create a plan (if one is even necessary)

It may of course be the case that you have to carry on as normal.

In terms of creating your own plan it is impossible to cover all bases here.

The best plans are formed out of logic rather than emotion which is why I believe it is so important to go through these steps before making any decisions.

I also believe that the best plans come from looking inwards at what you really want from life and then making sure that your plan points you in that direction.

Sometimes this is something very difficult to do all by yourself and will best come out with deeply honest conversations with the people around you.

Obviously as a life coach one of my sole purposes is helping people who are struggling or just not content to formulate plans to become happy and then ensure that they implement that plan.

If you’d like to book in to have a free call with me to find out what I can do to help you become happier with your life then get in touch.

In this call we’ll talk about what’s going on in your life at the moment and what you would like to be going on. From this we can discuss how by working together we could make this happen for you.